Short Essay
"God makes it rain." She said to me in complete innocence.
It was dark out and getting late. My niece smiled at me as we stopped at the stop light. Smiling back, I realized how faithful that statement was. She wasn't just saying, "Oh, it's raining out and God does that."
No, to me she was identifying "His" power. She recognized that the wonderous things of this earth, it was all a plan, perfect law. It all makes since when you're young. As my favorite movie said, when you're younger your cup (faith) is small and doesn't require much to fill it. But as you grow older your cup gets bigger and it's hard to fill. So what do we do? Some work harder to fill the cup, while the rest of us sit on the side lines, unsure, uncaring. We sit in misery half of the time because we don't know how to reach God.
I attended a Christian school for three years, and in those three years I learned so very much. At the time I didn't realize or understand what was going on inside of me. I was absolutely horrified at their conduct and appearances to the outside world. Christians are supposed to be loving, understanding, courageous. However, all I saw was a bunch of lowly cowards that didn't have a kind word to spare. The one thing I remember like it was yesterday, plays over and over again in my head.
"You're not Christian enough." The ditzy blonde told me.
I couldn't believe what was coming out of her mouth. And all I had to say was curse words, so I kept my mouth shut while I quietly cried. Each girl at a time approached me to throw in their two cents.
"I mean... I don't agree with her, but I understand what she means." Sarah was a complete moron and follower. She didn't know her ass from a hole in the ground.
I couldn't believe what they were doing, turning against me, collaborating. What I didn't know then was that I was learning something. Then, it just felt like someone was crushing my heart. Three long, painful, years of hell. I was becoming insane and angry. It was all of the time, I felt like someone was choking me... tearing me apart every day.
I started to cut myself, every time I felt angry, hurt, or betrayed. It was like food to a heavy person, it gave me relief, if only for a moment. The cutting turned into suicide attempts, four of them to be exact. I took over ninety pills each time, I wasn't playing around. The first two were the worst. I didn't fear death, I didn't question it. The pills sank into my stomach and took over. At my second trip to the psych ward, they over medicated me. I had seizure-like symptoms, hallucinations, audio and visual. I sat in my doctors office, my neck started to turn and I wasn't doing it. My hands clung to the sides of the chair, I was going crazy- I had to be. It couldn't really be happening, I had never known anyone who went through that, I had never been educated about it. I had no idea of what I was in for.
I quickly told my mom what was happening to me, she looked puzzled, even being a medical person, it couldn't help us now. I got back to the doctor and sat quietly as my mother explained what was going on in our world. My back began to arch, slowly, steadily, moving backwards and scaring me to death.
"What's happening to me?" I asked in horror.
The doctor sat in silence for a moment as my back continued to arch until my head was close to touching my back. That's when the audio and visual hallucinations kicked in. I saw a lizard on my moms arm, a picture broke apart and said something completely different than what was there. I was more intrigued than scared, it was beautiful at first. Everything was calm and collected at that time.
"Just hang on, I'll give you some a perscription, you take it as soon as you get it." The doctor called ahead to the pharmacy, making sure they would have it as soon as we got there.
Walking out of the office, I noticed a picture moving, it was a waterfall. The water was moving and I could hear the water running down. It was pleasant, not scary. At the time, I was completely out of it.
"I don't understand why I need this medicine. It's not scary, it's not." I told my mom.
"You don't understand, the hallucinations are going to get worse, a lot worse."
We made it outside with no incident, everything was fine until my legs gave out. I was walking and then... I just dropped to the ground. My mom grabbed my arm, trying to lift me up. There was no way she could carry me. An older man and woman were walking towards us, as they saw me fall they began to run to us. The man grabbed me around my shoulders as his wife got on the other side and lifted my legs. He must have been very strong, I'm no light weight. My mom got to the car and unlocked the door, the woman and man carefully got me into the car, making sure I was okay they quietly left, not wanting to take any applause or kind words. Good, amazing people that felt they were just doing the right thing. They didn't want praise, they were just doing God's will. They must have been angels sent to us. I've never come across such wonderful people than I have in this area.
After things calmed down and I was feeling back to normal, I told my mom something I had been pondering for quite some time.
"I only had a brief time of complete loss of control. I would smash someone who talked trash about the mentally handicaped. I understood, for a brief moment. I can't even imagine what a lifetime of that would be like."
I valued life, my freedom of motion. However, it didn't last. I was soon back in the hospital, two more times. I spent the third trip in a psych ward that could count as a prison. It wasn't a good experience. My last, and final trip I went from angry to sad to desperate in a matter of minutes. My mom and I had had a fight, I was angry and that drove me to feeling like I was lost. I don't have any friends, not one. I was upset and pissed and then it led to taking pills, just wanting out of the situation. I told God that I was done, I told Him that I didn't want anymore to do with this world. I was finished.
I layed in my bed, thinking to myself, this is it. I'm as good as dead. Part of me wanted to run screaming into my mom's room and beg for help. The other part of me was stubborn and incomplete. I got up out of bed and sat at the window in my room. It overlooked the backyard, where I had spent so many good times with family and friends. I never thought it would end that way. I sat quietly, wondering what would happen when I died. Would anyone care? Would my mom or God forgive me?
I didn't know, but I was going to find out.
I went back to my bed, laid down and closed my eyes. Hours later, I hit the floor. Completely dropped off of my bed and hit face down. I laid there, wondering what was going to happen. I couldn't get up, but I was awake. I struggled and struggled to get up on my feet, my efforts were futile though. My mind was spinning around and 'round. I was confused, sedated, aware but unaware. My mind went blank, complete darkness. As I waited to be thrown into the depths of hell, I saw a very bright light at the end of a long tunnel. I know, very cliche. But it's what I saw. I crawled through the small tunnel, searching for the light.
"Katie, I will never turn you away." The voice wasn't male or female, not young or old. Just a voice, and I knew who it was. I heard it, I know it. I wanted to scream out, I wanted to ask for His guidance and comfort, but I knew I already had it. He has confidence in me, so I strive on.
"The Word of God for the people of God." My head snapped up from my Bible.
"Thanks be to God."
I sat quietly in the church, trying not to fidget or stress out. Ever since the Christian school incident, I had a problem with Christians in general. They seemed backwards and misplaced in society. I don't love what the people have done to this earth, I don't really admire humans because we're all falible. I hold my trust in God, Creator, Yaweh, Allah. Whatever you call "Him", He's there and that's where I stand.
It's raining right now, the sound is amazing. I love the sound of rain hitting the pavement or our tin shutters. It's a peaceful noise that leaves me breathless. My niece comes into my mind again. I don't think there's one day that she doesn't pass through my mind. I am a proud aunt of three. The first time I looked into my nieces eyes, I knew there was a God. I held her in my arms for the first time, the little five pound baby. I put her hand in mine and welcomed her into the world. God blessed me that day, he gave me a reason to live. If nothing else works out for me, I always have them. I want to strive to see them grow, to see them complete things, to reach the stars. I want them to find their own way, to find the light at the end of the tunnel.
I may not be the typical church go-er, but I will have my faith and nothing will break it now. Experience after experience, I have learned the same lessons in different ways.
"Every problem is a seed of oppurtunity."
God gives us the strength to go on with our lives, no matter what. It says in the Bible that he will not give us anything we can't handle. I believe that. Even as hard as it got in my life, I have lived on. I have made differences, I have turned problems into lessons and life changing moments.
"The Word of God for the people of God."
"Thanks be to God."
